You Don't Miss Your Eating Disorder, You Miss What It Promised You...

One of the hardest things to admit in recovery is that sometimes you miss your eating disorder not because you want to be unwell. It isn't that you don't want recovery but because for a long time, your eating disorder convinced you it was giving you something. When recovery asks you to let go of your eating disorder, it can feel like you're being asked to let go of all of the things that feel safe.

I think this is something people are often afraid to talk about, there's a lot of pressure in recovery to feel grateful all the time to celebrate every step, to never look back but recovery isn't always that simple. Sometimes you simply miss the routines, familiarity, not having something to fall back to and this doesn't make you a bad person... this just makes you human. The truth is that eating disorders are incredibly complicated, if they only caused pain nobody would struggle to let go.

An eating disorder offers a distraction from emotions that feel too painful to face, for a while they can feel like they're actually helping. That's why letting go can feel so damn because it has convinced you that it's protecting you. They promise control but create fear, they promise safety but create isolation, they promise confidence but make you hate yourself and they promise happiness but take away the very things that made you happy.

When people tell me they miss their eating disorder, I try to encourage them to look a little deep, what is it you're missing? Is it the eating disorder or is it the feeling of comfort it gave you? Is it the eating disorder or is it the routine? The distraction? Once you understand what you're truly missing, you can start finding healthier ways to meet those needs instead.

I won't pretend that recovery is easy, there are still days where you might find yourself missing the comfort of your eating disorder. Just because something feels safe doesn't mean it is actually safe. Recovery isn't about losing everything it's about replacing what was hurting you with something that helps. Recovery gives you real comfort, real freedom and real peace.

Even now there are moments where I miss my eating disorder, usually when life feels difficult, if something goes wrong or when I'm struggling with my depression. For a split second my mind can still remember what it felt like to have something to fall back on but no matter how difficult life gets I will never allow myself to believe that my eating disorder is the answer. I've learnt I don't actually miss my eating disorder, I miss the comfort it promised me, the escape or the distraction or the feeling that everything would be okay if I just listened to it. The difference now is that I no longer confuse those feelings with what my eating disorder truly was because I know where that road leads to if I relapse. No matter how difficult life gets, I will never allow myself to believe that my eating disorder is the answer.

I won't pretend that recovery is easy, there are still days where you might find yourself missing the comfort of your eating disorder but familiar doesn't always mean good. Just because something feels safe doesn't mean it is actually safe. Recovery asks to build a life for you, the things an eating disorder promised but could never give you.

If you're struggling because part of you misses your eating disorder, please take this in. You are NOT failing, you are NOT doing recovery wrong and you are NOT alone. Maybe you don't miss your eating disorder at all, maybe you just miss the promising it made to you.

With Love, Niomi 🤎