Why I Chose Recovery...

My Truth

For a long time, I didn't think I would choose recovery even when things were hard... there was still a part of me that wasn't ready to let go. I think that's something people don't really understand because as much as my eating disorder was hurting me, it also felt like something I had no control over but was also my comfort.

It felt familiar.

It felt safe.

It felt like I only had my eating disorder.

Safe... in a strange way.

Letting go didn't just feel difficult... it felt scary.

I got to the stage where I truly didn't know who I would be without it, like I was losing something even though I knew it wasn't helping me. This whole mindset kept me stuck for a long time. I'd have moments where I knew I couldn't keep living this way but then I'd go straight back to what felt safe. Change didn't feel safe and I hate change.

This is the part people don't see that recovery isn't just about wanting to get better. It's about letting go of something that's become a part of how you cope, even when you know it's hurting you. It's a real confusing feeling. You can want to get better and still feel scared to let go at the same time. THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU WEAK! It just means you're human.

My Turning Point

For me this wasn't one big moment... no. There wasn't a day where everything suddenly clicked and I felt ready. It was way quieter than that. It was lots of small moments that started to build up. Moments where I realised I was tired, weak, having fits, constant anxiety (the list goes on and on).

I was tired of feeling the same way every day.

I was tired of everything in my head feeling so loud.

I was tired of constantly thinking about food.

I was tired of constantly hating my body.

I was tired of crying every single day.

I was just tired of everything.

Tried of everything my eating disorder was causing me.

It just got to a point where I thought I can't keep doing this forever, I don't want to live this way and I didn't want to become an old lady and on my death bed speak about how I didn't enjoy life because I was battling with this for most of my life. This didn't come from suddenly feeling strong or motivated but because I was so exhausted.

I think that's what people don't always talk about, sometimes recovery doesn't come from feeling ready. It comes from being tired of living the same way over and over again and seeing other people around you enjoying life while you aren't.

I didn't feel confident in it.

I didn't feel sure.

I just knew something had to change.

Even if I didn't fully believe in myself.

And I didn't fully believe it yet.

What Recovery Actually Felt Like At The Start

Choosing recovery didn't suddenly make everything feel better, if anything, at the start it felt harder. I was going against everything that had felt normal for so long.

Every small step felt uncomfortable.

Every decision felt like I was questioning myself.

Every morning I was more unmotivated than the day before.

Every emotion felt more intense because I was learning to let go of a comfort I held on to for years.

There were so many moments where I doubted everything. Moments where I just wanted to go back to what felt safe, even if it wasn't helping me. Recovery at the start didn't feel empowering or strong, it actually felt really messy and I felt uncertain.

Some days I felt like I was doing okay, other days I felt like I'd gone backwards when I would relapse but relapsing isn't always what people think it is, it's not always something big or obvious. Sometimes for me at the start it was just slipping back into old habits that felt comforting or the way my mind was working, I was having to learn how to find comforts that weren't bad for me. But after the relapses it was always the same feelings I felt like I fed into the urges and let myself down and that I was back to square one which I wasn't back at the start because eventually over time those relapses stopped.

I was learning, adjusting and finding my way again.

All this was hard to deal with because it made me feel like I wasn't doing it right like maybe I wasn't capable of getting better. But looking back now, that was recovery. Not a perfect version of it... the real version.

The one where I was figuring things out as I went along, the one where I didn't feel ready, but I kept trying anyway. It counts more than you can ever realise.

When I Struggled Again

There were times when I would slip back into old patterns, when It felt like everything I'd beem trying to do just disappeared for a moment and that was hard. It made me feel like I'd let myself down, like I was back at the beginning. When I look back now, I can see that wasn't true I was poorly and I was trying which was powerful.

Relapsing or those moments where things felt like I was going backwards wasn't the end of my recovery... it was all a part of it.

It didn't erase the progress that I had made.

It didn't take away the steps that I had already taken.

It didn't mean I wasn't trying.

It didn't mean I wasn't getting better.

They were just moments where things felt harder again and learning how to keep going through those moments because that is where the real change began.

I really didn't get it right all the time and there were days I struggled more than I wanted to admit to myself, to my family and my followers. But I kept going in my recovery even if it was in small ways and that is truly what made the difference.

You Don't Have To Feel Ready

Looking back now recovery didn't start because I felt ready, it started because I didn't want to feel the way I did and that was enough to start. I didn't have everything figured out, I still don't, I don't think anyone this is off topic but I don't think anyone has everything figured out we're all living the same one time life and we're going to mess up, we're all figuring life out.

I did learn though that recovery isn't about getting it perfect, it's about showing up for yourself. Especially on the days where it feels impossible, even on the days where you doubt everything because those days don't mean you're failing there just a part of it.

If you're not at a point where you don't feel ready or you're scared to let go or you feel like you keep going backwards that doesn't mean you can't recover. It just means you're in the middle of it and that is more than okay!

You don't need to rush it.

You don't need to have it all figured out.

You don't need have a time frame for when you need to be recovered by.

Sometimes it just starts with a small thought out:

"I don't want to feel like this forever." This is more than enough.

With love, Niomi🤎