When All You Want To Do Is Make Yourself Sick...

Nobody talks enough about this part of recovery, the part where you know what the eating disorder wants you to do and every part of you wants to listen. The urge feels so loud that it drowns everything else out. It tells you "you'll feel better afterwards." "Just this once." "nobody has to know." In that moment it feels like a choice, it feels like the only way to make the noise stop but here's something i've learnt. An urge is not a command, it feels urgent but feelings aren't permanent. Urges rise, they peak and they fall, the hardest part is staying with them long enough to realise they do pass.

When the urge hits, don't ask yourself "can I never do this again?" That's too big, instead ask yourself "What can I do for the next 10 minutes?" Can you make a cup of tea? Can you talk to someone you trust? Can you sit outside? Can you cry it out? Can you put your comfort programme on? Can you write down exactly what the eating disorder is saying and then write what recovery would say back? Can you move to a different room? Can you remind yourself why you chose recovery in the first place?

You don't have to solve forever, you just have to get through this moment because every time you don't act on the urge, you're teaching your brain something powerful: "I can survive this feeling without obeying it."

So if you're reading this whilst the urge feels overwhelming, i want you to make yourself one promise. Don't decide your future based on how you feel in this exact moment, give yourself ten minutes and then another ten. Keep choosing the next small step instead of thinking about the whole journey. Recovery isn't about never having urges again, it's about learning that an urge doesn't have to become an action and if today all you've managed to do is sit with that feeling instead of acting on it... that isn't failure, that is recovery!

With Love, Niomi 🤎