The thoughts no one really talks about in recovery.

Recovery isn't just about what people see on the outside. It's not just eating more or doing the 'right things'. Recovery isn't just about what you eat, I think that's what a lot of people don't understand.

It's not just food... it's what's going on in your head all the time because it's not just the thoughts it feels like something you're constantly battling and fighting with.

It's like there's a voice in your head that never really switches off.

This voice is constantly there telling you what you can and can't eat. Making you question your own worth, makes you constantly check your reflection, makes you loose yourself because your working so hard to be perfect when perfect does NOT exist.

You can try to ignore it, distract yourself and push it away... but it's still there. Over time it starts to affect a lot more than just food. It takes whatever ounce of happiness you had and you don't just loose yourself but your spark just fades more and more until you believe all you have is your eating disorder. For years I pushed everyone away, I let that voice win every single time because I thought it was comfort and normal but life is supposed to be lived how you want! Your eating disorder isn't meant to tell you how to live.

People who haven't battled with an eating disorder do not understand how exhausting it is, it isn't as easy as just eat and get better. They don't understand that from the outside it might not look like everything is fine, but inside it feels constant. It's not something you can just switch off. When you've reached a point where you've ended up hating yourself that much, you can't just wake up one day and have all the thoughts fixed. It doesn't work like that...

That's the part that stays with you, the thoughts that don't just disappear because you've decided you want to get better. You can be trying your hardest and still feel like you're fighting with your own mind. This can make you feel so stuck, like you're not getting anywhere, even when you are.

I remember thinking I was the only one who felt like this, like something was wrong with me for thinking the way I did. I wasn't and you're not either! It doesn't mean you're weak and it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong.

It just means you're going through something that's actually really hard. Recovery isn't just about that voice disappearing overnight. It's more like... slowly learning you don't have to listen to it every time because the more you learn to not listen you start building your spark back each time. Some days it will be hard not to listen to that voice because it'll feel louder than anything else but I PROMISE that doesn't mean you're not making progress.

Even noticing it... even questioning it... that already means something is changing. If this is what your head feels like right now, just know you're not the only one sitting with those thoughts.

You're doing better than you think, you can do this it just takes time and recovery isn't a race it is just about getting better and feeling like you again.

With love, Niomi🤎