The Scariest Part Was How Normal It Became...

I think the scariest part about bulimia was not when it first started, it was when it stopped feeling shocking. When the guilt became routine, when the behaviours became automatic, when I could go from completely hating what I was doing to acting like everything was normal within minutes. That's the part people don't really see, bulimia is exhausting but eventually you become so used to living in survival mode that the chaos starts feeling normal.

All the secrecy becomes normal, lying about whether you've eaten, pretending you're fine after disappearing to the bathroom, making up excuses, cancelling plans and thinking about food from the second you wake up until the moment you eventually fall asleep. At some point it stops feeling like "this thing I'm struggling with" and starts becoming your entire life and honestly? That terrified me because there were moments where I realised I couldn't even remember what my brain felt like before bulimia. I couldn't remember what eating without panic felt like or what it felt like to go a single day without obsessing over food, guilt or my body.

The eating disorder slowly became part of my routine in ways I didn't even notice at first, the bathroom became part of my routine, the guilt became part of the routine, the self-hatred became part of the routine, even being tired constantly became normal. I think this is why bulimia can feel so difficult to escape because when something becomes your normal, even if it is hurting you the idea of living without it can feel terrifying. It isn't because you enjoy suffering it's because your brain no longer knows how to function without the cycle.

Bulimia isolates you in ways people don't realise too... you become physically present but mentally somewhere else. You stop fully enjoying moments because part of your brain is always occupied by the eating disorder.

Food.

Calories.

Guilt.

Fear.

Shame.

Over and over again.

It's mentally draining in a way I don't think words can fully explain and the saddest parts is most people around you have no idea how much you're struggling and it's because you become so good at hiding it. You get good at smiling, good at hiding the bathroom trips, good at covering up lies, good at pretending you look fine. While privately feeling trapped inside your own mind.

Bulimia made my world feel so small and the scariest part was how long I believed that was just who I was now. Deep down, underneath all the routines and behaviours and fear, there was still a version of me that wanted more from life than surviving inside an eating disorder. I think that version exists in everybody struggling too.

With Love, Niomi 🤎