To anyone silently struggling with bulimia...

If you're struggling with bulimia right now, I need you to know you're not alone in this even when you feel like you are.

I truly know how exhausting it feels, the cycle that never ends, the thoughts, the constant feeling of needing to get the food out, the guilt that follows... it can feel like it never really stops. Sometimes, it doesn't even feel like you're in control of it anymore.

I remember what it felt like when I was in it, I had no control around food no matter what I told myself, it would just happen again and again. Everything started to revolve around food, what I had eaten, what I was going to eat and the constant back and forth in my head. This was one of the hardest parts not understanding why I couldn't just stop. I felt so down, I was frustrated with myself, I hated myself and I was just stuck in the same cycle day after day. It drained me not just physically but mentally, it was like any happiness I had just left my body. I would self isolate myself because I felt like no one around me could fully understand the battle I had going off in my own head.

When you're around other people it can still feel lonely because a lot of it happens in your head, the thoughts and the way you try to reason with yourself. There is so much guilt that comes with bulimia.

Guilt for what you're doing.

Guilt for not being able to stop.

Guilt for lying to people.

Guilt for feeling like you should have more control than this.

I understand that that guilt doesn't just disappear, it stays with you every day.

Bulimia affects how you see yourself, how you speak to yourself, the reflection you see in the mirror, how you feel day to day and this list just goes on and on. I remember being so hard on myself, saying things in my head I would never say to anyone else. The more I fed into bulimia the more it kept happening... I was going in circles, I wanted things to be different but I didn't know how to change it.

The truth is this isn't about you not being strong enough to recover from bulimia.

The truth is this isn't about you not having willpower.

When I was in it, I kept thinking I needed to try harder, be more disciplined with myself and have more self control. But I learnt overtime that this wasn't the answer because it goes much deeper than that. Bulimia becomes something your mind relies on even when part of you know it's making you poorly and this is why it can feel so difficult to recover from it. You're not choosing to struggle from this, you're dealing with something that's built up overtime, something that takes patience, work and understanding to work through. What you actually need is a different kind of support, a different way of understanding what's going on. Not more pressure to 'just stop.'

Please listen to me when you read this, you're not too far gone I know it can feel like that sometimes, like you've been stuck in this for too long like this is just a part of who you are now. BUT IT'S NOT. Even if it's been happening for a while, even if you've ttied to stop before and it didn't last (recovery was like this for me for a long time). This doesn't mean you can't recover it just takes time. I really didn't believe that things could change for me either. But things can change, not all at once, not perfectly but gradually. It doesn't start with getting everything right in recovery, it starts with understanding yourself a little more and being slightly less harsh on yourself along the way.

Bulimia might feel familiar.

Bulimia might feel safe.

Bulimia might feel like an automatic instinct.

But I promise it doesn't mean it's permanent.

Recovery doesn't just happen over night, it's not one big moment where everything clicks. It's small steps, small moments where you start to notice things differently. Over time those small steps start to build and you probably won't notice straight away but you don't need to get it perfect and you don't need to fix everything overnight. You just need to keep going, even on the days where it feels impossible and even when it feels like you're not making any progress because those days are still a part of it. The fact you're here, reading this the fact you're aware of it, thinking about it and wanting things to be different that is already a small step.

If you're struggling with it right now just focus on getting through today. Not fixing everything, not having all the answers just getting through today. You don't need to put pressure on yourself, healing doesn't work that way. Some days are going to feel a little lighter, some days will feel just as heavy and that doesn't mean you're going backwards.

If you've had a day where you didn't fall back into the cycle even if it felt difficult that is a step forward. It might feel small, it might not feel like it's enough but those days matter because those small steps they start to build and overtime they become more frequent until one day, it doesn't feel as constant as it once did. So if today was one of them hold onto that.

You're not broken for struggling with this, you're not weak and you're not failing. You're just someone who's been trying to cope in a way that's been hard to step away from. Things can change slowly and quietly in ways you may not notice at first but they do change.

So for now just take it one day at a time, recovery takes time and that's okay.

With Love, Niomi 🤎