One Day You'll Realise None Of It Was Worth It...

One day you'll look back and realise none of it was worth it. Not the birthdays you spent thinking about food, not the holidays you spent hating your body, not the photos you deleted, not the meals you cancelled and not the memories you missed because you were waiting to feel good enough to be part of them. One day you'll realise that the thing you sacrificed most wasn't food. It wasn't your body, it was your life because whilst you were busy trying to become smaller, life was happening.

You may of been there but you weren't really there because the eating disorder had convinced you that life would begin later. Later, when you lost weight or later, when you finally liked what you saw in the mirror but, later never arrives. Every time you reach the goal, another one appears.

The eating disorder makes all sorts of promises but if those things were waiting for you at the end of all this, wouldn't you have found them by now? How many times have you told yourself, "just a little thinner" and yet somehow, despite everything you've given it, you're still here searching for the things it promised you. The eating disorder was never selling you happiness, it was just selling you hope. Hope that the next goal would fix everything. Hope that the next number would finally make you feel enough and hope that one day you'd wake up and suddenly love yourself. Self worth doesn't live in a smaller body and no matter how many times you chase it there, you'll never find it. The problem was never your body, the problem was the voice that convinced you your body was the problem.

Whilst you've been trying to fix yourself, you've been carrying the weight of a battle that was never yours to fight. A battle you were never supposed to win because eating disorders don't have finish lines like they promise. They also don't hand out trophies, they don't wake up one morning and decide you've suffered enough. They just ask and ask and ask for more. They give you more rules, more fear and take more of your life. One day you'll realise that nothing you gave it was never going to be enough.

So if you're reading this and thinking about everything your eating disorder has already taken, I don't want you to focus on what's gone. I want you to think about what's stilll here. Despite what the eating disorder tells you, it isn't too late, it isn't too late to choose recovery and yourself. It isn't too late to stop handing pieces of your life to an illness that will never be satisfied. One day you'll realise none of it was worth it, hopefully when that day comes, you'll also realise something else. You stopped it before it took everything, you chose recovery before the eating disorder got the final say. Instead of looking back on a life ruled by fear, you'll be looking back on the moment you finally decided you deserved more because you do deserve more. Way more than survival, rules, numbers... you deserve a life that feels like yours. Trust me that is worth fighting for.

With Love, Niomi 🤎