The Eating Disorder Doesn't Care If You Die...

Let's stop romanticising it for a minute, let's stop calling it discipline, let's stop calling it a lifestyle because the eating disorder doesn't care if you die.

I know that's uncomfortable to read but it's true. It doesn't care that you have dreams. It doesn't care that you want children one day. It doesn't care about your family, partner or the people you love. It doesn't care that you're exhausted. It doesn't care that you're cold. It doesn't care that your heart is struggling. It doesn't care that you lost your period. It doesn't care that your hair is falling out.

An eating disorder is never satisfied, you can lose the weight and it'll still want more. You can follow the rules and it'll only create more for you to follow. You can give it everything and it will still tell you it isn't enough. The goal was never about health, happiness, confidence... the goal is to keep you trapped. The scariest part? Somewhere along the way, it convinces you that it's trying to help. That it's only trying to protect you... keep you safe... but tell me... what is safe about a voice that wants you to disappear? What is safe about a voice that would happily watch your world become smaller and smaller until there is nothing left except itself? This is what eating disorders do, they isolate, take, demand and they keep demanding until there is nothing left to give.

I remember thinking if i could just reach a certain weight everything would finally feel okay, that I could be happy, confident and enough but every time i reached a goal, there was another goal waiting. Every. Single. Time.

The eating disorder was never interested in making me happy, it was interested in keeping me sick and maybe that's what you need to hear today. The eating disorder isn't your friend, it isn't your protector, it isn't the voice of reason... it's an illness. An illness that would rather see you spend your entire life chasing something you'll never catch than admit you deserve recovery.

You do deserve recovery, not because you've suffered enough, not because you've become sick enough or because you've reached a certain weight. You deserve recovery because there is a version of you that exists beyond this illness. A version that laughs without calculating. Eats without guilt. Makes memories without fear. A version that isn't constantly negotiating with a voice that wants to take everything. The eating disorder doesn't care if you die. But I do, your family does, your friends do and the future version of you does.

So if you're reading this today and you're tired... good. Be tired of the eating disorder. Be tired of the lies. Be tired of giving your life to something that will never give anything back. Take one step, one meal, one snack, one fear food... just one choice towards recovery. Every single time you choose recovery, you're choosing something the eating disorder never wanted for you. A future...

With Love, Niomi 🤎