Nobody Talks About The Shame After...

People talk about the binge, the food, the loss of control, the behaviours but nobody really talks about the shame after, the silence afterwards and the moment everything suddenly becomes real again. The worst part about bulimia was never just the physical exhaustion for me, it was the emotional crash afterwards.

The guilt.

The disgust.

The "why did I do that again?" thoughts repeating over and over in my head. I can't even explain how heavy that shame feels, even more when you promised yourself it would be the last time. Bulimia leaves you constantly trapped between desperation and regret because in the moment the eating disorder convinces you the purge will help, that it'll make you feel better, more in control but afterwards? The relief never lasts as long as the shame does.

You eventually stop trusting yourself, you start hiding parts of yourself from everyone around you because you feel embarrassed by your own behaviours. You become so terrified that somebody will notice, terrified somebody will hear you or ask you questions you don't know how to answer so you carry the shame privately and that loneliness eats you up.

I think that's one of the cruelest parts about bulimia, it convinces you to isolate yourself while simultaneously making you feel desperate for help. There were so many moments where I felt completely consumed by shame yet still found myself repeating the same cycle, it wasn't because I enjoyed it, not because I wanted to stay sick but because eating disorders are not logical.

Eating disorders are illnesses and illnesses don't care how guilty, exhausted or miserable you feel. This shame can become so overwhelming that eventually you stop believing you deserve recovery at all, like you are "too messed up" or "too far gone". Struggling doesn't make somebody undeserving of help and shame shouldn't be the thing that keeps somebody trapped inside an eating disorder.

The truth is the behaviours people feel most ashamed of are often the thingd they are struggling with most silently and nobody deserves to carry that shame alone.

With Love, Niomi 🤎